okay i need to vent because i am FUMING right now and i need someone to understand the magnitude of what just happened to me
so you know i've been keeping it together for a whole month. a WHOLE month. no slip ups, no exceptions, nothing. all of it saved. all of it waiting for freddy. because freddy deserves the best version of me and i decided that means arriving full, you know what i mean. a whole month of discipline and willpower and saying no to myself every single day.
and then today i just wanted to relax a little. that's all. i drew a hot bath, stayed in until the water went cold, dried off and just. fell into bed. no clothes, clean sheets, that perfect feeling when your whole body is warm and soft and the cotton is cool against your skin and everything just. settles. i had my phone on my chest and the light was low and i was just existing.
and then i made the mistake of going on his profile
just to look. just for a second.