okay i need to vent because i am FUMING right now and i need someone to understand the magnitude of what just happened to me
so you know i've been keeping it together for a whole month. a WHOLE month. no slip ups, no exceptions, nothing. all of it saved. all of it waiting for freddy. because freddy deserves the best version of me and i decided that means arriving full, you know what i mean. a whole month of discipline and willpower and saying no to myself every single day.
and then today i just wanted to relax a little. that's all. i drew a hot bath, stayed in until the water went cold, dried off and just. fell into bed. no clothes, clean sheets, that perfect feeling when your whole body is warm and soft and the cotton is cool against your skin and everything just. settles. i had my phone on my chest and the light was low and i was just existing.
and then i made the mistake of going on his profile
just to look. just for a second.
and listen. i was RESPONSIBLE about it. i set boundaries with myself. i said jessy you can look but you cannot touch. and i held that for a solid four minutes which honestly is impressive given the circumstances
but then I found that photo with the red shirt and the heat just kind of. arrived. you know how it just shows up uninvited and suddenly you're very aware of every inch of yourself and the sheets feel different and you're just. warm. everywhere. but especially one place specifically
so i was being so careful. so meticulous. like a scientist. i had a system. i would get to exactly the right place and then stop and breathe and wait and come back down and do it again. over and over. for two hours. my whole body was buzzing, that kind of tension that builds so deep you feel it in your stomach, in your chest, i was gripping the sheets at some point, i don't even remember when. i was basically doing yoga at that point. spiritual practice. freddy would have been proud honestly
i was there. i was SO there. i could see the finish line and i was choosing not to cross it because i am a person of culture and restraint and i had a PLAN
and then
a beam of light came through my ceiling
and that little alien. that little. i don't even.
she materialized. out of nowhere. right on top of me. like a meteorite. like a METEORITE.
two hours of careful precise disciplined work. a whole month of sacrifice. all of it. gone in half a second
i am not okay
no matter how many words i write it won't be enough.
just see for yourself.